It takes a special type of person to
share your home with retired racing greyhounds. When I say share, I
mean surrender wholeheartedly all living space, sleeping space, and
places of comfort and relaxation.
Gone are all choices for home
entertainment, as even our new, top of the line, family jumbo-tron is
too small to be viewed unobstructed by greyhounds who stand at the
precisely perfect angle to block each and every one of the 58 million
pixels available for the ultimate experience in better than life home
viewing. If one should glimpse a momentary flash of unequaled color
radiating from the ultra-thin flat panel display, a greyhound is sure
to be standing in anticipation of a dropped crumb or the chance to
steal a seat, and in the direct line of the operating remote
controls. Due to this fact, the jumbo-tron has been stuck on the Home
Shopping Network for the past three months, and I am now the proud
owner of 17 lifetime supplies of reusable and incredibly simple to
install picture hooks and 3,200 Sham-wows. Are you with me Camera
Guy?
The Boss recently decided it was time
for new living room furniture because she walked into the family room
and caught a greyhound lounging on the floor when a perfectly empty
sofa seat was available. This, obviously, is an indication that the
furniture is worn and uncomfortable, and must be replaced
immediately. Since I have only sat on the furniture once, which was
not long ago and in the showroom prior to purchase, I have to take
the dogs' word for it, as the book of racing greyhound pet etiquette
clearly states;
Sec. 4 (7)
Lounging
No greyhound must
ever lounge on the floor when:
- a seat on the sofa is available, or
- when a human in a seat on the sofa can be forced from that seat and thus stolen by pretending to need a potty break.
Armed with sale leaflets, summer
catalogs, checkbooks, credit cards, and an uncomfortably large home
improvement loan, The Boss and I set out to replace our nearly new
but woefully greyhound inadequate home furnishings, and began an
exhaustive search for the perfect dog approved lounging surface. This
started what was basically just a long blur of me picking out a set I
liked, and The Boss pointing out how little I understand about fabric
staining, retained heat, fur accumulation, comfort and nesting damage
resistance. In each and every home furnishings store we entered we
were followed by lurking salesmen trying to be inconspicuous and
ready to pounce on a potential sale, but staring in disbelief as we
discuss the pros and cons based on dog comfort and lounge-ability,
and rejecting set after set. After searching every home store in the
area, and revisiting most a second and third time, The Boss finally
settled on a patent leather, reclining, rocker/roller sofa with a
built-in heating and cooling system, foldaway tables, pull out
storage and massage, and a matching love seat. The price, too
embarrassingly large to mention here, was made more bearable by the salesman generously including a limited lifetime warranty, set-up and delivery.
Once the new furnishings were delivered
and in place, and the nearly-new but no longer greyhound approved old
furnishings were removed, The Boss and I decided that a movie night
was in order to celebrate and appreciate our purchase. Giddy with
excitement I rushed off to the movie store and rented 5 films I have
been dying to see ever since they were released prior to bringing
greyhounds home (known as life before greyhounds or LBGH). Upon my
return popcorn is made, soft drinks are poured, fold-away tables are
unfolded, and lights are dimmed. I fire up the jumbo-tron and marvel
for a moment at the clarity and incredible contrast, select the
perfect sound settings on the home theater, and insert the first
movie disk into the player. I reach down as the opening scenes are
about to begin, turn on the heat and vibration functions of the sofa,
and deploy into the reclining position. I turn to The Boss and ask, “Whats
happening now? Cy is in the way.” Then suddenly I notice Myka doing
the potty dance and desperately trying to tell me she is well passed
due to go outside. As I raise up to take the pups out, Loki jumps
into my seat, gulps down a few mouthfuls of popcorn, and settles with
a deep long groan of pure comfort and joy as Myka laps some of the
soft drink from my glass and takes the seat beside him.
I take a yoga inspired seat on the
floor, and mount a valiant attempt to get a glimpse at the screen through Cy's legs
and under his belly. As I start to complain to The Boss about the
fairness of the seating arrangements, and express my dissatisfaction
with the comfort level of the cold hardwood floor, I am met with a
loud “SHHHH, I am trying to watch a movie!”.
When this furniture wears out next
month, I am choosing the set I want. At least when I am staring at it
from the floor, I will have the satisfaction of knowing it was chosen
specifically for me!