Saturday, September 1, 2012

Furniture Fiasco

It takes a special type of person to share your home with retired racing greyhounds. When I say share, I mean surrender wholeheartedly all living space, sleeping space, and places of comfort and relaxation.

Gone are all choices for home entertainment, as even our new, top of the line, family jumbo-tron is too small to be viewed unobstructed by greyhounds who stand at the precisely perfect angle to block each and every one of the 58 million pixels available for the ultimate experience in better than life home viewing. If one should glimpse a momentary flash of unequaled color radiating from the ultra-thin flat panel display, a greyhound is sure to be standing in anticipation of a dropped crumb or the chance to steal a seat, and in the direct line of the operating remote controls. Due to this fact, the jumbo-tron has been stuck on the Home Shopping Network for the past three months, and I am now the proud owner of 17 lifetime supplies of reusable and incredibly simple to install picture hooks and 3,200 Sham-wows. Are you with me Camera Guy?

The Boss recently decided it was time for new living room furniture because she walked into the family room and caught a greyhound lounging on the floor when a perfectly empty sofa seat was available. This, obviously, is an indication that the furniture is worn and uncomfortable, and must be replaced immediately. Since I have only sat on the furniture once, which was not long ago and in the showroom prior to purchase, I have to take the dogs' word for it, as the book of racing greyhound pet etiquette clearly states;

Sec. 4 (7) Lounging
No greyhound must ever lounge on the floor when:
  1. a seat on the sofa is available, or
  2. when a human in a seat on the sofa can be forced from that seat and thus stolen by pretending to need a potty break.
Armed with sale leaflets, summer catalogs, checkbooks, credit cards, and an uncomfortably large home improvement loan, The Boss and I set out to replace our nearly new but woefully greyhound inadequate home furnishings, and began an exhaustive search for the perfect dog approved lounging surface. This started what was basically just a long blur of me picking out a set I liked, and The Boss pointing out how little I understand about fabric staining, retained heat, fur accumulation, comfort and nesting damage resistance. In each and every home furnishings store we entered we were followed by lurking salesmen trying to be inconspicuous and ready to pounce on a potential sale, but staring in disbelief as we discuss the pros and cons based on dog comfort and lounge-ability, and rejecting set after set. After searching every home store in the area, and revisiting most a second and third time, The Boss finally settled on a patent leather, reclining, rocker/roller sofa with a built-in heating and cooling system, foldaway tables, pull out storage and massage, and a matching love seat. The price, too embarrassingly large to mention here, was made more bearable by the salesman generously including a limited lifetime warranty, set-up and delivery.

Once the new furnishings were delivered and in place, and the nearly-new but no longer greyhound approved old furnishings were removed, The Boss and I decided that a movie night was in order to celebrate and appreciate our purchase. Giddy with excitement I rushed off to the movie store and rented 5 films I have been dying to see ever since they were released prior to bringing greyhounds home (known as life before greyhounds or LBGH). Upon my return popcorn is made, soft drinks are poured, fold-away tables are unfolded, and lights are dimmed. I fire up the jumbo-tron and marvel for a moment at the clarity and incredible contrast, select the perfect sound settings on the home theater, and insert the first movie disk into the player. I reach down as the opening scenes are about to begin, turn on the heat and vibration functions of the sofa, and deploy into the reclining position. I turn to The Boss and ask, “Whats happening now? Cy is in the way.” Then suddenly I notice Myka doing the potty dance and desperately trying to tell me she is well passed due to go outside. As I raise up to take the pups out, Loki jumps into my seat, gulps down a few mouthfuls of popcorn, and settles with a deep long groan of pure comfort and joy as Myka laps some of the soft drink from my glass and takes the seat beside him.

I take a yoga inspired seat on the floor, and mount a valiant attempt to get a glimpse at the screen through Cy's legs and under his belly. As I start to complain to The Boss about the fairness of the seating arrangements, and express my dissatisfaction with the comfort level of the cold hardwood floor, I am met with a loud “SHHHH, I am trying to watch a movie!”.

When this furniture wears out next month, I am choosing the set I want. At least when I am staring at it from the floor, I will have the satisfaction of knowing it was chosen specifically for me!